hardxcore
i asked god who i'm supposed to be. the stars smiled down on me in silence.xx
there's no better place to go.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO WESTLEE, my little boy, WHO TURNS TWO YEARS OLD TODAY!!
wow, do i feel old. i'm only twenty and my baby is two already...life goes by so quickly anymore.
wow, do i feel old. i'm only twenty and my baby is two already...life goes by so quickly anymore.
No cures to the pain.s - you bring on by yourself.
if, by chance, you change your mind, i will not let you down.
secretly, i am in love with my best friend. it's just complicated. justlikeeverything.omg.
i feel like i'm settling for less than i deserve with chris.
i hate the fact that i'm in love with my best friend.
[[ fuckkk. ]]xx
i feel like i'm settling for less than i deserve with chris.
i hate the fact that i'm in love with my best friend.
[[ fuckkk. ]]xx
No cures to the pain.s - you bring on by yourself.
cursed by my imagination.
so, it goes like this.
boy meets girl.
boy chases girl.
girl. is. annoyed.
girl's heart breaks.
girl rebounds. not with boy.
girl realizes her mistake.
girl breaks it off.
girl meets boy. again.
girl chases boy...not. more like....
girl falls in love. with boy. unfortunately
boy is married.
boy's been hiding it. but
boy is separated and trying to get divorced.
boy's wife..or ex..or whatever...won't get divorced. but has a fiance. somehow. wtf.
girl gets pregnant.
boy cheats. with his wife..or ex..or whatever.
girl's heart breaks. again. and again. and again.
girl's heart is still broken. but
girl stays with boy...unofficially. because
girl feels better about her stupidity if it's unofficial.
girl can't get herself to trust boy. but
boy and girl have a baby together.
ugh omg. i just don't know how to write about it. or how to deal with it. the whole situation is driving me nuts. and i know what advice i'm going to get if i ask for it, or even if i don't, is not the advice i'm looking for. i guess i just want someone to tell me that things will be okay. and that he won't ever hurt me again. but i've been through something similar too many times before, i should know better by now.
the worst part is, i'm taking it out mostly on his daughter. he said that the only reason he did anything with that whore is because she was letting him take her more often. i hate that stupid little girl. i hate her with all of me. she's a brat and i don't fucking care. i wish she would die. i honestly do. which is absolutely horrible of me. but i just can't help it...i just need him to choose her or me. i just hate her. i'm afraid i'd hurt her if i were to become her step mom. and that would kill me to hurt a child. but at the same time it wouldn't, it if was her. that stupid bitch. her and her whore mother.
i have so much anger. so much. i need to learn how to let it all go...in a healthy way.
[[ iwillfigurethisoutsomeday. ]]xx
boy meets girl.
boy chases girl.
girl. is. annoyed.
girl's heart breaks.
girl rebounds. not with boy.
girl realizes her mistake.
girl breaks it off.
girl meets boy. again.
girl chases boy...not. more like....
girl falls in love. with boy. unfortunately
boy is married.
boy's been hiding it. but
boy is separated and trying to get divorced.
boy's wife..or ex..or whatever...won't get divorced. but has a fiance. somehow. wtf.
girl gets pregnant.
boy cheats. with his wife..or ex..or whatever.
girl's heart breaks. again. and again. and again.
girl's heart is still broken. but
girl stays with boy...unofficially. because
girl feels better about her stupidity if it's unofficial.
girl can't get herself to trust boy. but
boy and girl have a baby together.
ugh omg. i just don't know how to write about it. or how to deal with it. the whole situation is driving me nuts. and i know what advice i'm going to get if i ask for it, or even if i don't, is not the advice i'm looking for. i guess i just want someone to tell me that things will be okay. and that he won't ever hurt me again. but i've been through something similar too many times before, i should know better by now.
the worst part is, i'm taking it out mostly on his daughter. he said that the only reason he did anything with that whore is because she was letting him take her more often. i hate that stupid little girl. i hate her with all of me. she's a brat and i don't fucking care. i wish she would die. i honestly do. which is absolutely horrible of me. but i just can't help it...i just need him to choose her or me. i just hate her. i'm afraid i'd hurt her if i were to become her step mom. and that would kill me to hurt a child. but at the same time it wouldn't, it if was her. that stupid bitch. her and her whore mother.
i have so much anger. so much. i need to learn how to let it all go...in a healthy way.
[[ iwillfigurethisoutsomeday. ]]xx
No cures to the pain.s - you bring on by yourself.
in the silence all your secrets will raise their worried heads.
well, you can pin yourself back together to who you thought you were.
don't worry. in the daylight, i'm just fine.
don't worry. in the daylight, i'm just fine.
No cures to the pain.s - you bring on by yourself.
i know to live you must give your life away.
to all who are interested: a somewhat brief synopsis of my life since my daddy's death.
after my father passed to the other side, i gave up on a lot of things. my writing, however, became much stronger. i didn't care much for friends, family, acquaintances..not anyone, really. i kept to myself even more than usual.
at age 16, in december, i got pregnant. life started to turn around, knowing that there was life inside me, being sustained by me. knowing that i was being depended on solely for the care of another. it was a blessing. unfortunately, i lost him. merlin james hansen. stillborn on may 25, 2006. i was 17 and it ruined my life, again.
i moved on, again. (you'll be hearing "again" an awful lot just fyi). finished high school one year early, as planned. broke up with my previously mentioned boyfriend for the last time. quit my job at the grocery store. got a job as a buser at a local restaurant chain. that turned out well, while it lasted. i was promoted several times over a period of 4 months up to the restaurant general manager. that was amazing, i loved it. i was single. life was good.
i made the mistake of getting involved with a few different guys at work, at different times, of course. one of which ended up evolving into a relationship rather than just a fling. we were young and in love. i was 17, he was 18, i got pregnant in december. again. and we got married 3 months later. march 19, 2007. a day i thought would be one of the happiest of my life.
needless to say, it didn't work out. he threatened to divorce me if i didn't quit my job as the restaurant manager, even though he didn't work there anymore. so i quit. he was very verbally abusive because he was not the only person i'd ever had sex with, like i was for him. he also couldn't accept the fact that i am good at a lot of things and he isn't. i changed myself for him. i changed nearly every part of my life for him. he couldn't even give up a few minutes of his video games for me unless he wanted sex. i couldn't live my life that way. not a chance in hell.
my first little boy, westlee merlin bird, was born october 8, 2007. 12:59pm. 8 lbs 13 oz. 21 1/2 inches long. he's saved my life. many times.
i started the divorce process in may of 2008. it was rough. trying to explain to him that i didn't love him anymore, at least not like i used to. he brought me flowers. but that didn't change anything. i kicked him out of the house and eventually had to leave, myself, because i couldn't afford our $900 rent. i had to move back in with my mom. the divorce got finalized in september. i was finally free of him, or at least that's what i thought. (he still tries to control my life through our son.)
in that same month, i started dating a guy named brandon. i guess you could call him the rebound. he was a mess. nowhere near the same intelligence level as me. an obvious "no" on the marriage candidate list. he put me through hell in the 6 weeks we dated. i tried to kill myself because of him. and i got up out of the road because of my little boy. and i still somehow said yes to him when he asked me to marry him. ...i broke it off, the entire relationship, three days later.
in june 2008 i met chris. he instantly fell head-over-heels for me. i thought he was cute, but tried too hard. in october 2008 we started dating. and, guess what? ..i got pregnant. again. one week before halloween.
my second little boy, peyton joseph serrano (pj), was born july 22, 2009. 2:41pm. 6 lbs 14 oz. 19 inches long.
christopher and i are kind of together. for the time being, i'm not planning on getting married. not for at least two more years. there's no need to rush into anything. it didn't work last time and i don't think it'll work if i try that route again. in fact, i know it won't work.
i'm not really sure how to explain the relationship that chris and i have. it is very, very complicated. and i'm not sure anyone would really agree with the choice i'm making in staying in the relationship. but it's a legal matter that can't be resolved just yet because of certain custody issues. i guess i just don't want to talk about it at the moment. it tends to get me rather upset.
i have a lot of things on my mind, they're all jumbled in there.
currently, i am a mom. a student. a t-shirt designer for a couple of well-known bands. a writer/designer for health care guides. a little traumatized from the mess of things i've been through in my 20 years of life. a bit depressed. a lot-a-bit stressed. and, mostly, i'm still just a scared little girl trying to figure out what to do.
[[ thanksforreading. ]]xx
after my father passed to the other side, i gave up on a lot of things. my writing, however, became much stronger. i didn't care much for friends, family, acquaintances..not anyone, really. i kept to myself even more than usual.
at age 16, in december, i got pregnant. life started to turn around, knowing that there was life inside me, being sustained by me. knowing that i was being depended on solely for the care of another. it was a blessing. unfortunately, i lost him. merlin james hansen. stillborn on may 25, 2006. i was 17 and it ruined my life, again.
i moved on, again. (you'll be hearing "again" an awful lot just fyi). finished high school one year early, as planned. broke up with my previously mentioned boyfriend for the last time. quit my job at the grocery store. got a job as a buser at a local restaurant chain. that turned out well, while it lasted. i was promoted several times over a period of 4 months up to the restaurant general manager. that was amazing, i loved it. i was single. life was good.
i made the mistake of getting involved with a few different guys at work, at different times, of course. one of which ended up evolving into a relationship rather than just a fling. we were young and in love. i was 17, he was 18, i got pregnant in december. again. and we got married 3 months later. march 19, 2007. a day i thought would be one of the happiest of my life.
needless to say, it didn't work out. he threatened to divorce me if i didn't quit my job as the restaurant manager, even though he didn't work there anymore. so i quit. he was very verbally abusive because he was not the only person i'd ever had sex with, like i was for him. he also couldn't accept the fact that i am good at a lot of things and he isn't. i changed myself for him. i changed nearly every part of my life for him. he couldn't even give up a few minutes of his video games for me unless he wanted sex. i couldn't live my life that way. not a chance in hell.
my first little boy, westlee merlin bird, was born october 8, 2007. 12:59pm. 8 lbs 13 oz. 21 1/2 inches long. he's saved my life. many times.
i started the divorce process in may of 2008. it was rough. trying to explain to him that i didn't love him anymore, at least not like i used to. he brought me flowers. but that didn't change anything. i kicked him out of the house and eventually had to leave, myself, because i couldn't afford our $900 rent. i had to move back in with my mom. the divorce got finalized in september. i was finally free of him, or at least that's what i thought. (he still tries to control my life through our son.)
in that same month, i started dating a guy named brandon. i guess you could call him the rebound. he was a mess. nowhere near the same intelligence level as me. an obvious "no" on the marriage candidate list. he put me through hell in the 6 weeks we dated. i tried to kill myself because of him. and i got up out of the road because of my little boy. and i still somehow said yes to him when he asked me to marry him. ...i broke it off, the entire relationship, three days later.
in june 2008 i met chris. he instantly fell head-over-heels for me. i thought he was cute, but tried too hard. in october 2008 we started dating. and, guess what? ..i got pregnant. again. one week before halloween.
my second little boy, peyton joseph serrano (pj), was born july 22, 2009. 2:41pm. 6 lbs 14 oz. 19 inches long.
christopher and i are kind of together. for the time being, i'm not planning on getting married. not for at least two more years. there's no need to rush into anything. it didn't work last time and i don't think it'll work if i try that route again. in fact, i know it won't work.
i'm not really sure how to explain the relationship that chris and i have. it is very, very complicated. and i'm not sure anyone would really agree with the choice i'm making in staying in the relationship. but it's a legal matter that can't be resolved just yet because of certain custody issues. i guess i just don't want to talk about it at the moment. it tends to get me rather upset.
i have a lot of things on my mind, they're all jumbled in there.
currently, i am a mom. a student. a t-shirt designer for a couple of well-known bands. a writer/designer for health care guides. a little traumatized from the mess of things i've been through in my 20 years of life. a bit depressed. a lot-a-bit stressed. and, mostly, i'm still just a scared little girl trying to figure out what to do.
[[ thanksforreading. ]]xx
the darkness helped until the whiskey wore away.
it's been awhile.
i just remembered yesterday that i had this.
i couldn't go on, not after dad passed.
but i'm back now.
you can catch up, if you'd like...
[click here]
more to come soon..
♥.xx
i just remembered yesterday that i had this.
i couldn't go on, not after dad passed.
but i'm back now.
you can catch up, if you'd like...
[click here]
more to come soon..
♥.xx
this cliche tragedy.
dad died friday the 28th.
viewing was tonight.
funeral is tomorrow.
i'm still numb.
.xx.
viewing was tonight.
funeral is tomorrow.
i'm still numb.
.xx.
&&;you can always count on yesterday.
daddy is going.
only one or two more days.
god, i'll miss him.
everything is so different now.
i can't hardly sleep.
and if i DO get to sleep..
it is terribly hard to wake up again.
my tummy growls and tells me to eat.
but i'm not hungry.
i can't concentrate.
i don't have energy.
my muscles ache.
my heart hurts.
i feel empty.
but i feel so numb.
reality is starting to set in.
and i hate it.
sometimes i think this isn't real.
but then i go back to the hospital
and there he is.
so sick.
so tired.
hardly moving.
only twitching every now and then.
he has no energy.
he can't even open his eyes anymore.
everything he says is just mumbling.
and you can't understand it.
but he can hear and understand me.
he tried to tell me he loved me today.
it made me cry so hard.
and it hurt so bad.
i want to ask him to let me know if heaven's real when he gets there.
but i don't have the guts.
i can hardly say anything to him.
because every time i try to say anything
i start to cry.
and i want to hold back my tears
because i'm afraid of crying..
in front of people, that is.
i hate this.
i am so depressed.
.xx.
only one or two more days.
god, i'll miss him.
everything is so different now.
i can't hardly sleep.
and if i DO get to sleep..
it is terribly hard to wake up again.
my tummy growls and tells me to eat.
but i'm not hungry.
i can't concentrate.
i don't have energy.
my muscles ache.
my heart hurts.
i feel empty.
but i feel so numb.
reality is starting to set in.
and i hate it.
sometimes i think this isn't real.
but then i go back to the hospital
and there he is.
so sick.
so tired.
hardly moving.
only twitching every now and then.
he has no energy.
he can't even open his eyes anymore.
everything he says is just mumbling.
and you can't understand it.
but he can hear and understand me.
he tried to tell me he loved me today.
it made me cry so hard.
and it hurt so bad.
i want to ask him to let me know if heaven's real when he gets there.
but i don't have the guts.
i can hardly say anything to him.
because every time i try to say anything
i start to cry.
and i want to hold back my tears
because i'm afraid of crying..
in front of people, that is.
i hate this.
i am so depressed.
.xx.
you brought me back to where i began. i'm starting out again.
i'm so excited. i'm getting my digital camera very very very soon! ahhhh!!!! yess....yeah cuz my other one doesnt work anymore. and besides, the one i'm getting is really nice. i'm so happy. lala la la la.
hm yeah anyways.
i heart acoustic music.
[[ ppzshhzh.overandout.pzhshh.10-4.pzzhsshh. ]]xx
hm yeah anyways.
i heart acoustic music.
[[ ppzshhzh.overandout.pzhshh.10-4.pzzhsshh. ]]xx
we can't leave. that's the last road open. every speed on our knees is crawling.
tiny droplets plummet towards the earth creating intricate ripples as they collide with worn-down man-made walkways. everything is damp with the smell of clear liquid glaze. above, the sky is charcoal and indigo with no sign of light. below, a thousand stagnant pools of water lay scattered about. chilling breezes whisper warnings of things to come.
[[ tobecontinued. ]]xx
[[ tobecontinued. ]]xx
No cures to the pain.s - you bring on by yourself.
this wait for destiny won't do.
one word.
stressed.
[[ out. ]]xx
stressed.
[[ out. ]]xx
and it's been hours now. waiting here like this.
daddy is going. i dont know exactly when. no one does, really. sometimes we think he might only have a few hours left, and then other times it seems like he'll have a few more weeks or maybe even months. it's terrifying. the thought of losing one of your best friends. at least he won't hurt anymore.
[[ noweverythingisgonnabreakagain. ]]xx
the months, they don't matter. it's the days i can't take.
love is real. real is love.
love is feeling. feeling love.
love is wanting to be loved.
love is touch. touch is love.
love is reaching. reaching love.
love is asking to be loved.
love is you.
you and me.
love is knowing
we can be.
love is free. free is love.
love is living. living love.
love is needing to be loved.
[[ lovies ]]xx
love is feeling. feeling love.
love is wanting to be loved.
love is touch. touch is love.
love is reaching. reaching love.
love is asking to be loved.
love is you.
you and me.
love is knowing
we can be.
love is free. free is love.
love is living. living love.
love is needing to be loved.
[[ lovies ]]xx
this one's for you.
why do you try to impress your beliefs on me?
you know i don't agree.
you know i hate it.
and you know i'll hate you for it.
so why do you do it?
because it's right?
haha.
yeah right.
i believe in god.
i believe in jesus.
i just don't believe what the mormon religion does.
i believe my own beliefs.
and i'm sick of all you mormons trying to get me to believe otherwise.
i already told the bishop to stop trying to contact me and to stop trying to make me believe what all you guys do.
and now i'm asking you the same.
i don't want to go to seminary, simply because i don't want some old guys trying to make me believe what they do.
i don't want to go to church, simply because i don't believe the same things that you do.
i don't want to go to young women's activities, simply because i don't believe the same things that they do.
simply because you all treat me like i'm a disease.
just because i don't believe the same things that you do, you treat me like i don't belong.
and that hurts.
thanks a lot.
[[ ---- --- ]]xx
you know i don't agree.
you know i hate it.
and you know i'll hate you for it.
so why do you do it?
because it's right?
haha.
yeah right.
i believe in god.
i believe in jesus.
i just don't believe what the mormon religion does.
i believe my own beliefs.
and i'm sick of all you mormons trying to get me to believe otherwise.
i already told the bishop to stop trying to contact me and to stop trying to make me believe what all you guys do.
and now i'm asking you the same.
i don't want to go to seminary, simply because i don't want some old guys trying to make me believe what they do.
i don't want to go to church, simply because i don't believe the same things that you do.
i don't want to go to young women's activities, simply because i don't believe the same things that they do.
simply because you all treat me like i'm a disease.
just because i don't believe the same things that you do, you treat me like i don't belong.
and that hurts.
thanks a lot.
[[ ---- --- ]]xx
so let's play docotor babe. we'll operate today.
so i'm supposed to be going to california on sunday. but my dad is still in the hospital. he was supposed to be coming home today, but then he got real sick again so they're keeping him there a few more days. hmm....idk if i should go to cali or not with him still in the hospital.
[[ lovies ]]xx
[[ lovies ]]xx
can't stand her.
what a tangled web.
October 30th
aleeska
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roscoeblaze
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kellyrotika
October 15th
LastDitch82
October 9th
Andreux
kattybeans
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kingfisher
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LastDitch82
October 6th
kathrynleann
red-eyed late nights.
